


Adelisa: Codex entries

by TheNugKing



Category: Dragon Age (Tabletop RPG), Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 07:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20041903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNugKing/pseuds/TheNugKing
Summary: Letters and such by my rpg character Adelisa. These will only make sense to like eight people tops, so if you read them and you're not one of those people, sorry and thank you, I hope you enjoy them.





	1. Chapter 1

_ (A page from a diary torn out and left on a dining room table) _

There was a lord in Orlais who campaigned for better conditions for commoners and treated his vassals with care and respect, selling his own riches for their betterment. They were secure in the knowledge that he would protect them from any noble who thought they had the right to hurt people “lesser” than them. Some of his people became an inconvenience to one of Henriette’s business entanglements so she wanted him gone. I slit his throat while he slept. His younger brother was far less indulgent of his vassals.

Another noble family had escaped the debts that had controlled them for generations, after years of hard work. They were no threat to anyone, simply happy to finally breathe easily and not about to risk that by plunging themselves into the Game. But Henriette had a quarrel with one of their cousins, so while they celebrated the return of their fortune, I intercepted the loan that had saved them and destroyed the apiaries that were their livelihood. The last I heard of them, they were about to go destitute.

I once publicly humiliated a woman I was in love with and left her reputation in so many tatters that she was forced to leave the city.

I grew up lying to myself and everyone around me and hurting people just to protect myself so often that it became instinctive. I did worse as a bard and only stopped to look at my actions after I told a man to kill his own daughter and countless other innocents under his care. Whatever I did to make up for it afterwards, people were hurt because of me. Milo was forced into that position by me. Valaria might still have her arm now, without me.

<strike> I wonder how quickly Sam would judge me if he met me a year ago. </strike>

I’m not like Sam or Valaria or Wanda or Landen, I wasn’t always a good person, it’s something I’ve had to work hard for, that I’ll always have to work hard for, and I know I still have further to go. 

I can’t judge others for their misdeeds when they could so easily be compared to the person I used to be. And I can’t write anyone off when I know how much I changed. 

I believe that everyone is capable of changing, no one is beyond redemption. I know Astaarit, and they started from a better place than I ever did. If I got better, they can too. If you think I’m anything of a good person then please, please don’t give up on Astaarit either. There’s nothing they can do that they can’t come back from. 

<strike> Please come back Astaarit. </strike>


	2. Chapter 2

_ (Hundreds of copies of a printed letter, bewilderingly posted all over the city of Denerim, a few weeks after the city's Chantry was blown up.) _

Astaarit, why are you so scared to talk to me? Do you really feel my words could change your mind? If that is the case, you cannot be as resolute about your course as you pretend to be. You must have doubts about what you’re doing, about whether it is honestly the right thing. I implore you, listen to those doubts. Truly think about whether the deaths you’ve caused are just.

Or is it my compassion you fear, after all you have done? Are you scared to let mercy and softness back into your life? If that is so, I’m afraid I can’t tell you that turning round and admitting your mistakes is easy, but I can promise, you don’t have to be alone in it. You are loved, now and always, whatever you have done, and your friends will be there for you when you’re ready to change.

I can sympathise with your aims, Astaarit. You have such grand plans to change the whole world and make it a fairer place. I know you’ve suffered through horrors I can barely comprehend; of course you want to change things so that no one else has to suffer like you. I’ve been to some of your sermons, you have good ideas, inspiring ideas, and the Southern Qun could truly be a force for good. But you’re not using it for good. You’ve lost your way, Astaarit, and now you’re causing harm, rather than preventing it. I understand the drive to bring about change _ now_, when the longer we wait, the more suffering goes unchecked. But your drive to bring that change is only causing more suffering. If you were to succeed, you would only end with an organisation at least as corrupt and flawed as everything you’re fighting against, which people with grand plans would think they could do better than, and would cause yet more suffering fighting against it. I’m truly sorry Astaarit, but what you’re doing can never bring about a good kind of change.

However noble your end goals, they can never justify the deaths you’ve caused. Barric Bethras died rescuing people from the Chantry after the explosion; he would have survived had he not cared so much for others. You cannot justify the death of a man so brave and selfless, the deaths of however many other brave and selfless people will die as a result of your actions, the deaths of every individual person who has the potential for such greatness, but might never live to reach it if you continue down this road. 

You’re hurting yourself, as well as others, with what you’re doing. You’ve shut yourself off from your friends and abandoned the people of the Southern Qun, and I fear you’ll continue to isolate yourself yet more as your work continues. I’ve seen some of your notes, I’ve seen how you’re starting to forget that everyone around you is a person too. I’ve seen how you’re slowly destroying yourself with paranoia because you can’t let yourself accept that you might be wrong. It’s all right to be wrong, Astaarit.

I’ve done terrible things myself in my past. You met me when I first came to Ferelden, you can attest to what an unpleasant person I was then, and I did worse before we met. I am thoroughly ashamed of who I used to be, but since coming to Ferelden, I have had the opportunity to grow so much. I’ve challenged my opinions on almost everything I’ve ever believed and had to realise I was wrong on countless occasions. And as difficult as that may have been, it was the only way to heal the parts of me I’d tried to cut off out of fear of what I might let in. I am stronger and happier now than I have ever been, and I want you to take this opportunity too, Astaarit. You have friends - myself and others - who’ve made terrible mistakes as well, but we strive to better ourselves and work towards redemption. You can do that too, Astaarit. That path will always be there for you, no matter what you’ve done.

I know how difficult it can be to turn around and admit you’ve been wrong, how daunting it is to start trying to make up for your mistakes. But I know you, Astaarit, and I know you are strong enough to do that. You are strong enough to stop this and should you ever doubt that, I will be here to reassure you and help you through it. You just need to talk to me.

With love,

Adelisa


	3. Chapter 3

_(A letter slipped in among Astaarit's painting supplies, in the village of Sothmere)_

Astaarit,

I came up with dozens of ways to stop you.

You told me to stop the city guard going after you because you’d hurt civilians. I could have let you hurt them. I could have sent the guard anyway, even if you were scared, even if you wanted peace, even if you tried to manipulate me. I know who I am now and I’d never have read that letter through.

I could have encouraged the Landsmeet to storm your safehouses, let the city guard kill your followers, end everything in a huge battle. Or I could just have tried to distract you while Vengus or Indiana snuck up behind you.

I didn’t want to be responsible for any deaths, but I did consider how much easier, safer for all of us, it would be to simply let you kill the templars before we tried to speak to you.

I wondered whether I could persuade Tam-Kaas to help get me close to the Saarebas you rescued, whether I could persuade them to trust me. I wondered how easy it would be to persuade one of them I meant no harm and then take them prisoner and threaten them to get you to stand down. It wouldn’t be too difficult to find someone with templar training. So long as they didn’t wear their armour, and I kept talking about how I’d try to redeem you every second I was with the templar and the Saarebas, you might not even know when we ripped their magic from them.

If I couldn’t get the Saarebas, perhaps you still cared for Adric enough to pause when he was threatened. Perhaps seeing him on the battlefield could help stop you. Perhaps not, but I know he trusts me, and I know how easy it is to manipulate him, and the odds of stopping you would be worth the risk.

You were doing your best to avoid me, so I had to think about how to get close to you without you realising. Felix would be able to disguise me easily, and I could get so much closer to you if we tricked you. I could have had them disguise me as Arvaarad, and talk you down as someone you trust. I could have stuck a control rod back in your back and end any risk of danger you caused. Even if you saw it happen in the future and planned for it, it would be enough to make you wary around Arvaarad, enough for you to put less trust in your biggest ally, enough to weaken you.

A hundred times I wondered just how much pressure I’d have to put on Cloudio to get them to use their magic to its full effect, without any caution for who might be hurt by that. I could persuade them that any knock-on effect was worth it to stop you causing more deaths further on, and accept their guilt as a price worth paying. And then we could manipulate the whole environment in our favour, we could hit Denerim with a hurricane to distract you, get you where we wanted to, never mind the civilians that hurt. We could hit you with a storm stronger than anything your Saarebas could do. We could bring in Cloudio and the rest of the Mage Underground to fight against you directly, and either kill the templars ourselves to protect the mages, or sacrifice their freedom.

When I was in Orlais, I doubt I’d have hesitated for more than a moment just because these plans would hurt other people.

Being willing to hurt people - for our own ambitions, for the greater good, for someone else we care about - it’s always the easiest way, often the least risky way. But I can’t believe it’s the right way.

I have to choose, every day, to be kind. To not be what the world tried to make me. I face more hard decisions as Bann, and come up with dozens more ways to get my end goal, if only I was willing to go through with them. It’s never not tempting. But every time I choose to be kind instead, it gets a little easier.

I think there will always be days when you wonder if you made the right decision, to trust us, to give up on what could be a quicker path to change. I think it’s a decision you’ll have to make again and again. But I think that’s all right. I just want you to remember, Astaarit, you can always make that choice. Wherever you are, whatever happens, you can always choose to be kind. It may not be the quickest path to change, but every time we choose to be kind, I think it makes the world a little better than it was before. One drop at a time.


End file.
